Watch The Osbournes Season 1
A Farewell to Ozz
aired: Mon, Mar 21, 2005
Dr. Phil McGraw pays a visit to the Osbournes family. Ozzy, Sharon, Kelly and Jack share their experiences and feelings with each other on being an Osbourne.
The Show Must Go Off!
aired: Mon, Mar 14, 2005
The Sharon Osbourne Show has just been canceled. Sharon is upset over the cancelation and continues to be irate as she gets ready at home for the final tapping. Sharon arrives at the studio and tapes her final episode. Immediately after the final tapping, Sharon has to pack up all her things and leave the studio. With all her belongings in boxes Sharon returns home.
Lozt in Translation
aired: Mon, Mar 7, 2005
It's time again for the Osbourne family to take a trip abroad. This time their destination is Japan, where Ozzy will be receiving a lifetime achievement award at the Japanese VMA's, and Kelly will be doing some press to promote her album.
Number One Fan
aired: Mon, Feb 28, 2005
Sharon Osbourne has decided to put her fame to good use. A few weeks ago she held an auction to benefit the children of Uganda. Now the winner, a 25-year-old named Laura, is coming to claim her prize: a whole day with Sharon and the rest of the family. Laura is a big fan-such a fan, in fact, that she has just gone into debt to pay $20,000 for this opportunity.
aired: Mon, Feb 21, 2005
When Kelly tells Sharon and Ozzy she is grossed out by the thought of them having sex, they get back at her by teasing that she was conceived by Immaculate Conception. Next, Kelly reads an e-mail that says she and Sharon are going to Kenya for a Red Cross activity. Being the drama queen she is, naturally Kelly fusses over the fact that Africa is such an obscure place to visit. Ozzy warns Kelly against going and even tells Sharon he will divorce her if she dares to go, telling the pair that "Charity begins at home."
28 Days Later
aired: Mon, Feb 14, 2005
After having yet another self-proclaimed "bad day," Kelly calls home from her rehab center and complains to Sharon that she hasn't been sleeping well. Instead of ragging that she is detoxing from the drugs, Kelly blames her lack of sleep to another patient who is constantly pleasuring himself. Kelly says that his screaming is keeping her up at night. While talking to Sharon, Kelly also adds more requests to the list of things she wants while in rehabilitation, from the basics like more socks to luxuries like having a personal manicurist sent.
aired: Mon, Feb 7, 2005
When we last left this wild and crazy family, they were vacationing in Hawaii sans Kelly. Now the clan is back in Cali and things are a mess as usual, but this time around, Kelly is our problem child, not Jack.
Hawaii Five Ozz
aired: Mon, Jan 31, 2005
The Osbournes arrive for their vacation in Hawaii, ready to relax and unwind. The trip gets off to a bad start when Jack's luggage is left in the airport. He calls Ozzy and Sharon's room to tell them, but Ozzy has difficulty answering the telephone. Sharon quickly steps in to handle the situation.
Have Ozz Will Travel
aired: Mon, Jan 24, 2005
The Osbournes begin planning their family vacation, but can't decide on a destination. Canada is vetoed because of the chilly weather. Ozzy begins to research Fiji, but Kelly wants to return to Hawaii. Sharon and Jack want to visit Hong Kong, but Ozzy refuses.
Sleepless in Beverly Hills
aired: Mon, Sep 13, 2004
Ozzy is having trouble falling asleep. For some reason he just can't doze off and he can't figure out why. As a result, during early morning hours, Ozzy mills about the house in his underwear, drinking extra large cups of coffee.
aired: Tue, May 4, 2004
"Irritable" is the word of the day at the Osbourne house. On his way to his prized studio, Ozzy notices a chandelier on the floor. When he inquires about the chandelier, he learns that it's going to be installed into his studio. Slightly annoyed at the news, Ozzy continues towards the studio. When he arrives, Ozzy notices pillows on a bench inside the studio. This makes Ozzy go ballistic. His assistant explains to him that Sharon ordered them for the bench several months ago. Ozzy storms out and proclaims to Sharon "anything with that deals with the studio has to be cleared with me!" Sharon apologizes to Ozzy for making such a grave decorating error.
Ozzy Knows Best
aired: Tue, Apr 27, 2004
Now that Ozzy's spending more time in the house recovering from his accident, he's been faced with some fatherly dilemmas. This week's problems include a bullying bulldog and an ongoing debate with Kelly over her...um...provocative fashion choices. First off, the continuing problems with Colin, the aggressive pooch. Last time we checked in on Colin, he was overly amorous and especially fond of a photographer's leg. This problem was easily fixed by a quick trip to the vet's for neutering. While Colin no longer shows his old affection for human legs, he is taking out all that pent up sexual energy with hostile attacks on the other family dogs. Ozzy hates Colin's bullying ways and begins to plot ways to get rid of Jack's beloved pet.
Pain in the Neck
aired: Tue, Apr 20, 2004
While recovering from his ATV accident, Ozzy's become quite grumpy. That's understandable considering he thinks he's getting fat, he has a neck brace torturing him 24/7, and he's going stir crazy from sitting in the house all day. Taking a page out of Kelly's book, Ozzy's been especially pouty with Sharon, who's been working through most his recovery. Ozzy's exhausted all cleaning and sleeping options so he's taken to watching infomercials. Needless to say, his situation is pretty dire. Ozzy seeks out Jack for some comfort and complains that he's getting fat. Jack responds with a not-so-sympathetic "you sound like a woman" and, confirming Jack's suspicions, Ozzy grumbles "I have a closet full of clothes I can't wear."
The Scent of a Woman
aired: Tue, Apr 13, 2004
The show opens with Kelly and Ozzy debating hair. Ozzy wants to add more color to his black and fire-engine red locks while Kelly insists that adding more color will make him look like George Clinton. As if to end the argument, Ozzy declares he's the Prince of Darkness and he can do whatever he wants to which Kelly responds "No, you're the Prince of Lunatics."
The English Patient
aired: Tue, Apr 6, 2004
When we last left the Osbourne family, Ozzy had taken a tumble off his ATV and was rushed to the hospital. Three weeks later, Ozzy emerges from the hospital wrapped in bandages and supported by slings but eager to return to his family in L.A. Although everyone seems a little hazy on the details of Ozzy's injuries, Jack catalogued the damages as a punctured lung, a cracked neck, and a collar bone that collapsed and pinched an artery, which had to be replaced with another artery from his leg. Ozzy, however, simply describes the pain as feeling like "some kung fu expert gave him a crack on the neck."
The Accidental Tourist
aired: Tue, Feb 24, 2004
Apparently, they don't teach American history in the British school system because Ozzy seems a little hazy on the facts. He informs Sharon that before William Penn, America was known as "Indian Land" or something. With tennis skills comparable to Ozzy's historical knowledge, Jack hits the courts for some exercise. Despite his dubious tennis talent, Jack looks good doing it. No one can deny the allure of matching mustard colored wristbands and a headband coiffing his 'fro into a lovely mushroom shape. Positively sexy.
Return of the Ring
aired: Tue, Feb 17, 2004
Trouble in the Osbourne house! Ozzy has lost his diamond pinky ring, landing him in a state of panic. In a quest that would rival Frodo's commitment to jewelry, Ozzy grabs a flashlight and leaves no sofa untouched, no candelabra unturned, and no drawer intact. Despite his best efforts, Ozzy cannot find his diamond ring and proceeds to rival Jack and Kelly with his whining. Ozzy's sour mood is only exacerbated by Sharon's craving for more diamonds. The house blings as Sharon parades around with all of her potential gems. With Ozzy giving compliments like "it looks like a holly bush" and "looks like an abscess on your neck," how could Sharon resist the temptation to purchase more?
Rebel Without an Oz
aired: Tue, Feb 10, 2004
With Sharon shooting The Sharon Osbourne Show all day, Ozzy is left with a lot of spare time. But he could put that time to better use. Mostly, Ozzy just plays with his remote, sleeps, sprays an unnecessary amount of air freshener, drinks (but mostly spills) his coffee, and attempts to dress himself (pant legs can be tricky to get into). Thank God he's no longer a bachelor. Clearly, he needs Sharon's presence to occupy him.
aired: Tue, Feb 3, 2004
It's been a rough night for Kelly. Christina Aguilera threw darts at a picture of Kelly while hosting the EMAs. Ouch, that's a cold slap in the face. But Jack notes that Kelly did provoke Christina enough times to merit the violent display. Still smarting from her role in Christina's target practice, Kelly shoots back that Christina needs publicity because her make-out with Madonna at the VMAs did not generate enough press. Guess these two girls won't be doing a duet anytime soon.
The Show Must Go Oz
aired: Tue, Jan 13, 2004
The third season begins with the addition of canine cast members, as new dogs join the Osbourne family. This brings the grand total number of dogs up to 13. A believer in all things supernatural, Ozzy decides that he hates the number 13. Ozzy jokingly suggests that Sharon buy more dogs so that he can shoot them as a hobby. Seems like a rational plan and it will give Ozzy something to do while Sharon is at work on her new talk show.
Ozz Well That Ends Well
aired: Tue, Aug 12, 2003
Things aren't going so well with Kelly and her boyfriend, Bert (aka "rat boy"). Kelly complains to her friend on the phone that Bert isn't being such a good boyfriend...he wants to get Kelly a "job" on his tour for the summer. Kelly is upset because Bert doesn't seem to realize that she has a job already...a pretty good one, in fact.
Bye Bye Babies
aired: Tue, Aug 5, 2003
A time comes when every parent must "let the young ones fly," as Ozzy would say. That time has come for Sharon and Ozzy. Jack and Robby are preparing for a three week trip to their house in England and Kelly is packing up to go on tour for three weeks. To not waste any precious time Sharon has left with her baby, she and Ozzy observe Jack while he packs. Although, we're sure Jack appreciates the gesture, he certainly doesn't seem to appreciate his parents' constant PDAs and asks them to not "get fruity" in his room. Ozzy retorts that Jack "gets fruity" in his house and Jack has no way of denying this statement because his mum just found a pack of Trojans (which Jack claims he doesn't use and really has 11 illegitimate children running around). To change the subject (and for some fun), Jack breaks out his breathalyzer test! Ozzy fails it and blames it on the gum he's chewing. Sharon doesn't believe that for a second and asks Jack to leave the breathalyzer with her.
aired: Tue, Jul 29, 2003
Seventeen years--that's how long it has taken Ozzy to take his son fishing. The day has finally arrived and Ozzy is overcome with anticipation and takes on the duty of making sure all seamen have towels, sunscreen and hats. Ozzy, Jack's friend Tony T. and their Brit friend pile into the BMW. Jack is the last out of the door which is no surprise to Ozzy because he says that Jack is "just like his mother." Once they're all aboard they head to the docks where their boat, the New Del Mar, or the "Titanic" as Ozzy calls it, is waiting for them.
A Little Ditty 'Bout Jack and Brienann
aired: Tue, Jul 22, 2003
Love is in the air at the Osbourne house...Courtney Love, that is. Our boy Jack meets up with Courtney and her current houseguest, Brienann and Jack is immediately smitten with Brienann. Jack is so taken with Courtney's friend that he ignores some odd behavior from Ms. Love, which includes running around in her panties, reenacting a scene from "Macbeth" with her dollies, and telling Jack that she's, "one of the only people in the world who makes money off the Internet." Though this might seem a little hard to believe, Kelly calls Courtney one of the most intelligent people she's ever met.
aired: Tue, Jul 15, 2003
Q: What's harder to find at the Osbournes house than a Hallmark angel figurine?
Moma I'm Stayin' Home
aired: Tue, Jul 8, 2003
What's going on at the Osbourne house this week? Not a lot--most of the family has gone to New York City. Ozzy decides to stay behind and take some alone time.
Fists of Fury
aired: Tue, Jul 1, 2003
With Sharon and Ozzy going to Hawaii for four days, Jack's looking to have some Risky Business-style fun at the Osbourne house. Sharon reveals early on that she's terrified over leaving the house, and thinks she's going to "come back to nothing," when her mini-vacation is over. To keep things moderately under control, Sharon makes sure Kelly, Melinda, and a bunch of security guards are at the house to keep Jack in check.
Run Ozzy Run
aired: Tue, Jun 24, 2003
Ozzy's got a lot to be happy about on his 54th birthday; he's got a great wife and kids, a fantastic music career, and he's in the best shape of his life. Almost. His trainer tries to get Ozzy to jog a whole five miles on his birthday, but Ozzy's new shoes bother him and he quits at just over a mile.
Flea's a Crowd
aired: Tue, Jun 17, 2003
The Osbournes are going back to nature; though probably not the way Sharon had hoped. Fleas seem to have invaded the extended Osbourne family...as well as Jack's 'fro. All the dogs--and Jack--are scratching every chance they get. This is especially bothersome for Sharon, who hypothetically questions her boys (Jack and Rob) which type of adventure would be more fun--trekking through Australia, rafting through Alabama or exploring the Amazon? She says the Amazon would be the worst, because she can't stand insects, especially "anything that would lay an egg in you." Hey Sharon, you don't even have to leave the house for that kind of adventure.
What a Boy Wants!
aired: Tue, Jun 10, 2003
It's getting close to Jack's 17th birthday but the real excitement at the Osbourne house is over the escalading drama between Kelly and Christina Aguilera. Sharon claims it started last Christmas when Kelly made some comments at a dinner party about Christina, and it's been downhill since then, with Kelly calling Christina, "One of the most disgusting human beings in the entire world," among other things. Meanwhile Ozzy goes to the dentist for a regular checkup, and asks for the nitrous gas to be turned up over and over again. By the end of the appointment, he's got so much nitrous in him he can barely lift a cup to his mouth for an after-cleaning rinse.
aired: Tue, Feb 4, 2003
The family packs up the jet plane and heads to Vegas, where Ozzy performs a concert and Kelly celebrates her 18th Birthday. Too young to legally drink or gamble, Jack ends up stuck in his hotel room watching TV with his buddies. Kelly and her friend, Sara, go on a rampage, which includes Sara performing a striptease to the dismay of Ozzy, Sharon, and other horrified adults and Kelly going toe-to-toe with Jack and his friends.
It's a Hard Knock Life
aired: Tue, Jan 28, 2003
Ozzy, is obsessed with keeping all house pets and germs away from Sharon and he makes everyone in the house get a flu shot. Jack bonds with Robert, the newest member of the Osbourne family and shows him an important family tradition--how to make beans on toast. Ozzy finds out that he won't be able to have sex with Sharon for 9 months...
Cleanliness is Next to Ozzyness
aired: Tue, Jan 21, 2003
Kelly is starting to feel the pressure of being a Pop Diva, as she throws a flurry of temper tantrums regarding her ever-busy work schedule. Meanwhile, Sharon is convinced that Kelly should marry P. Diddy, who bought Kelly an expensive watch after one of his bodyguards knocked her over at a backstage party.
Meow Means No!
aired: Tue, Jan 14, 2003
Kelly's friend Sara is fired from her band. Gus the cat and Arthur the dog are caught in a compromising position. And Jack's lovable, freeloading friend, Jason Dill, returns to pay the family a visit! (There is still no concrete evidence that Dill actually has lice.)
Smells Like Teen Spirits
aired: Tue, Jan 7, 2003
Jack and Kelly are getting a little too wild with their partying lifestyle. Sharon and her father, Don, are reunited after twenty years of not speaking to each other. Ozzy, on a burrito eating binge, finds out that he's a grandfather and eats more burritos.
The Beauty And The Bert
aired: Tue, Dec 17, 2002
Love rears its ugly head in the Osbourne household, as Kelly reluctantly brings home her first boyfriend, Bert.
The Ozz Man and the Sea
aired: Tue, Dec 10, 2002
Kelly takes off for her European singing tour. Jack makes his acting debut on "Dawson's Creek" and Ozzy battles the elements trying to build a fire for Sharon on the beach at Malibu.
...Must Come Down.
aired: Tue, Dec 3, 2002
After experiencing a string of amazing events, things have come crashing down for the Osbourne family.
What Goes Up...
aired: Tue, Nov 26, 2002
Oh, how the times have changed. The pets are running wild, Lola is throwing up, and Ozzy is taking target practice with butter knives. A deeper look at the episode reveals that indeed things have changed a bit around the Osbourne household.
Dinner with Ozzy
aired: Tue, May 7, 2002
Ozzy sits down to dinner, discusses his family and their combined experience on "The Osbournes."
A Very Ozzy Christmas
aired: Tue, Apr 30, 2002
Jack has a friend staying with him, professional skate boarder Jason Dill. Dill makes himself a little too at home, butting into family issues, getting drunk in the house, and ruining the griddle on Sharon's expensive stove. Eventually, Sharon makes Jack tell Dill he has to leave. Meanwhile, Ozzy and Sharon have given away Lola, but agree to let Jack have her for two weekends every month if he takes care of her.
aired: Tue, Apr 30, 2002
The family goes Christmas shopping in New York and returns home on Christmas Eve. The next day they open gifts with Louis, Ozzy's son from a previous marriage, and enjoy Christmas dinner together. Ozzy remarks with surprise, "It is now 4:15 pm on Christmas Day and we haven't had a family feud." As the meal continues however, a fight is stirred up and Kelly throws a dinner roll at Jack
aired: Tue, Apr 16, 2002
Ozzy starts a family fight that ruins Thanksgiving. Later, his foot healed, he heads to Fargo, ND resume his tour. He decides he doesn't want Sharon and the kids to come with him, but ends up calling from the road, lonely. On Ozzy's birthday, the family flies to Chicago to surprise him. Sharon, a little drunk, worries that he won't be happy to see them, but they meet him at a restaurant and he is very glad they're there.
Trouble in Paradise
aired: Tue, Apr 9, 2002
With Sharon and Ozzy on tour, the Osbournes' nanny Melinda finds it hard to control the kids. Jack cuts school, stays out all night and bickers with Melinda. On the road, Ozzy's leg is killing him: it turns out it's broken and the tour will have to be postponed for a few weeks. Back home, Sharon and Ozzy call a family meeting and lay down the law to the kids. Kelly says she will tone down her behavior, but Jack just keeps on partying...
Tour of Duty
aired: Tue, Apr 2, 2002
Jack scouts bands for the record label he says he's going to start. Sharon and Kelly go shopping while Ozzy complains that his wife is a shopaholic. Ozzy rehearses with his band and Sharon goes over logistics for the upcoming tour, then they head out to Tucson on the tour bus. Ozzy goes ballistic when he finds out that Sharon has booked back-to-back shows for him. He refuses to do the next show, but eventually Sharon gets her way.
Won't You Be My Neighbor?
aired: Mon, Apr 1, 2002
Kelly fumes to Ozzy that her sister, Aimee, has booked her a gynecologist appointment without telling her. The next-door neighbors are playing loud music all night long, so Sharon confronts them through the fence and gets into a huge argument. A battle begins, with Jack blasting "Norwegian Death Metal" and Ozzy throwing things over the wall, including a burning log. The police arrive.
For the Record
aired: Tue, Apr 2, 2002
After bitching about his clothes, Ozzy heads off to do a Tower Records in-store to promote the new album, then goes to New York for a whirlwind series of appearances, including one on 'TRL.' Jack goes to "hippie camp" with his classmates, and everyone celebrates Kelly's birthday with a Halloween-themed party. Kelly gets in trouble for getting a tattoo.
Bark at the Moon
aired: Tue, Apr 2, 2002
The Osbournes struggle to maintain the upper hand in a house overrun with pets. After Lola the bulldog eats a chair cushion and takes an enormous dump in Sharon's sitting room, a dog therapist is brought in to train her. Lola pees on the floor right in front of the therapist. Despite Ozzy's repeated protests, Sharon lets Kelly get a new kitten. Elijah Wood and his sister Hannah hang out with Jack and Kelly, and Kelly gets another speeding ticket and a lecture on driving from her parents.
There Goes the Neighborhood
aired: Tue, Apr 2, 2002
The serene Beverly Hills neighborhood is disrupted by the sounds of the Osbournes moving in. Ozzy performs on Jay Leno's show, we meet Michael the security guard, and Kelly has a fit when she burns a kettle on the stove. As Kelly, Jack and their friends get ready to go out one night, Ozzy lectures them about cigarettes and tells the kids not to take drugs, and if they have sex, to wear a condom.